Addendum to the mistakes I've made in life...
I forgot to call my girlfriend last night when I said I would. And no, it's not the first time I've done it, I'm what you'd probably consider to be an epic "Homer Simpson-esque" relational fuck up. Anyways, to make a long story short, I want to rip my heart out my chest and pull out my brains and spread them on a table and just cut out random parts....and I guess that's the simplest way to put it. To go in more detail, I've been in the most intense, most profound, and life-changing relationship in my life for the last couple of years. I've never loved anyone like her and I never will because she's the one for me. Now, with all elements of love, it is largely a leap of faith and often laced with some of the most profound tragedy and I've wrestled both quite frequently in my short life. I don't know everything and in fact, probably closer to knowing nothing, but i know enough to know that this woman inspires me and gives me faith to do and be and experience things I thought would never materialize for me. So I trust my gut with this one and my faith and my love does not waver an ounce away from her.

Despite this, I'm a sporadic moron. I'm often a folly of humankind with my lack of relationship skills and vast voids in mental behavior, the typical hodge-podge of baggage and inability to communicate these things, and convoluted bullshit that puts me in situations where I'd rather "overthink" myself into inconsistency, inaction, and inability. And as every cause needs an effect no matter how dumb the cause chooses to be, my bumbling through life affects everyone around me and especially those most close to me. Despite even this fact, my motivation to not allow the "collateral" damage of the stupid re-occurring themes or big "doozies" of stupid life choices grows only with the fury and haste of say perhaps, a group of three-toed sloths in a poker night. It's a phenomenon I cannot readily explain, nor can I explain my own eloquence in how I can symbolically and articulately describe the very negative of my life. Do I feel like shit right now? Honestly no. I'm more angry at myself then anything and feel like shit for making my girlfriend feel like crap.

I don't know how she puts up with me and I'm saying that in a dead serious way, not the "TV-Sitcom-typical-plot-movement-cheap-joke" way. She has no faults in the ways of love and loving. I honestly cannot find a soul purer then hers that has confided in me and I'll gladly take that bet to my grave. And you know, it's hard to just find someone like that for you, but somehow I got it, and she shows this impossible quality with the additional challenge of living 500+ miles away. I guess also to an extent I've reciprocated at least a percentage of that back when you deduct all the moronic things I've done. And don't get me wrong I'm dumb, but not dumb enough to do or commit to terribly moronic things. Despite all this, I don't even know what to do or where to start with myself since there's just so much things to do to make me a half-decent human being. It all makes me feel on the heavy side of disgusting. I could write a million words right now and not put a dent in my occasional disgusting, flawed being.

But I know I'm good, I try to be, and want to be and I know I'm capable of doing good things, don't misunderstand, I just hate to make a mistake that lets the person I love most down, no matter how little. It upsets me to the "Nth degree" and when I see her flawless approach to love and caring and I give her back lesser or even crap. But I guess ranting at oneself can only get you so far...I think I've exhausted my will to think anymore tonite.