| Baseball, bumps, and botched deliveries |
[Apr. 15th, 2008|09:17 pm] |
So I saw my first baseball game at Camden Yards last night. I've lived in the Baltimore area now for over 10 years and the O's actually won. I went with a co-worker who procured the tickets from a board member for the non-profit I work for and she brought her boyfriend and I brought my hetero-life mate Nick. It was a great park and we had great seats, but it was sad to see only 11 thousand people in attendance when it holds nearly 50000. All in all, it was good game. I realized I don't really give a shit about baseball. Nothing was really that exciting about it, but maybe because I didn't feel any camaraderie with the fellow fans. Seriously, it was the first game I went to where no one did the wave and for some reason that just seemed really sad to me. No one really super-heckled and a lot of people left after the 7th inning stretch, I think by the top of the ninth, there was more people at my middle school pep rally then the attendance at the ball park. I'm just glad I did it, now I can say I went to an O's game and get that over with in typical bullshit chit-chat conversations with resident Baltimoreans.
I think the most eventful part of the night last night was actually an observation made after the game by Nick and I noticing that my co-worker and her boyfriend had no chemistry whatsoever as a couple. Nick thought he'd be or supposedly was a woman-beater, I sort of caught that vibe too. To use a cliche baseball analogy, "it was like she was in left field" with that pick. I seriously don't think they have anything in common other then their fervor for pop country music, which both Nick and I had to sit through on the ride back to my truck....fantasic.... I guess looking back now, Nick and I were being sort of "Chatty Cathys" about all this and for all intensive purposes, I could give two shits, but I think we both found it intriguing to see such an unintentional train wreck before our eyes, but who are we to judge....oh no, wait a minute, she loves "Kid Rock" ...nevermind, we have EVERY right to judge. It's sort of weird to interact with someone like a co-worker on a daily basis that you absolutely know they are deprived in some way, in a sense that they just seem very inexperienced with basic aspects of life and even themselves. It just goes to show you the resiliency of life or perhaps our own capacity to not actively care. I'd guess people only have to be 10% of themselves to plow through their days and in a lot of cases to muster much more maybe more trouble then it's worth.
So in other news, I've developed bumps on my skin. Fantastic...I just got a buzz cut today and felt little bumps on the back of my head and then yesterday, I notice other bumps up my right wrist, I'm thinking I probably have something lovely enough to require me to take some sort of topical or oral antibiotic. I doubt if rubbed both the back of my head and my right wrist on something that would give me bumps and I'm probably thinking it's most likely stress related as it's the only thing that's been that prevalent in my two-job, long commute lifestyle I've so readily adopted. At least I have insurance now, that's a big plus so I don't have to resort to pioneer-style medicine.
I ordered sunglasses not too long ago. Fucking FedEx of course is in charge of my package, which of course I have to have a "live signature" confirmation for and cannot pick it up at the nearest FedEx terminal because they are "not equipped" for that. It's not like I'm buying Indian kidneys or a jewelry piece out of Lil Jon's personal collection, it's fucking sunglasses! FedEx should be out of business, how is it still in business? Seriously, the fucking nerve of FedEx! |
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| Addendum to the mistakes I've made in life... |
[Apr. 15th, 2008|11:00 pm] |
I forgot to call my girlfriend last night when I said I would. And no, it's not the first time I've done it, I'm what you'd probably consider to be an epic "Homer Simpson-esque" relational fuck up. Anyways, to make a long story short, I want to rip my heart out my chest and pull out my brains and spread them on a table and just cut out random parts....and I guess that's the simplest way to put it. To go in more detail, I've been in the most intense, most profound, and life-changing relationship in my life for the last couple of years. I've never loved anyone like her and I never will because she's the one for me. Now, with all elements of love, it is largely a leap of faith and often laced with some of the most profound tragedy and I've wrestled both quite frequently in my short life. I don't know everything and in fact, probably closer to knowing nothing, but i know enough to know that this woman inspires me and gives me faith to do and be and experience things I thought would never materialize for me. So I trust my gut with this one and my faith and my love does not waver an ounce away from her.
Despite this, I'm a sporadic moron. I'm often a folly of humankind with my lack of relationship skills and vast voids in mental behavior, the typical hodge-podge of baggage and inability to communicate these things, and convoluted bullshit that puts me in situations where I'd rather "overthink" myself into inconsistency, inaction, and inability. And as every cause needs an effect no matter how dumb the cause chooses to be, my bumbling through life affects everyone around me and especially those most close to me. Despite even this fact, my motivation to not allow the "collateral" damage of the stupid re-occurring themes or big "doozies" of stupid life choices grows only with the fury and haste of say perhaps, a group of three-toed sloths in a poker night. It's a phenomenon I cannot readily explain, nor can I explain my own eloquence in how I can symbolically and articulately describe the very negative of my life. Do I feel like shit right now? Honestly no. I'm more angry at myself then anything and feel like shit for making my girlfriend feel like crap.
I don't know how she puts up with me and I'm saying that in a dead serious way, not the "TV-Sitcom-typical-plot-movement-cheap-joke" way. She has no faults in the ways of love and loving. I honestly cannot find a soul purer then hers that has confided in me and I'll gladly take that bet to my grave. And you know, it's hard to just find someone like that for you, but somehow I got it, and she shows this impossible quality with the additional challenge of living 500+ miles away. I guess also to an extent I've reciprocated at least a percentage of that back when you deduct all the moronic things I've done. And don't get me wrong I'm dumb, but not dumb enough to do or commit to terribly moronic things. Despite all this, I don't even know what to do or where to start with myself since there's just so much things to do to make me a half-decent human being. It all makes me feel on the heavy side of disgusting. I could write a million words right now and not put a dent in my occasional disgusting, flawed being.
But I know I'm good, I try to be, and want to be and I know I'm capable of doing good things, don't misunderstand, I just hate to make a mistake that lets the person I love most down, no matter how little. It upsets me to the "Nth degree" and when I see her flawless approach to love and caring and I give her back lesser or even crap. But I guess ranting at oneself can only get you so far...I think I've exhausted my will to think anymore tonite. |
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